Vanessa's Take On Relationships

I don't claim to know how to have a perfect relationship with anyone.  But, I do know that it takes a few things to make any relationship work.

Everyone makes mistakes.  Forgive.  If you are the one who made the mistake, apologize.  Life is too short to hold grudges. 

Don't judge each other.  You can point out things that alarm you but you have to take the block of wood out of your own eye before you point out the speck of wood in someone elses!

Communicate.  If there is a problem, tell the other person.  Don't talk behind their back.  Don't judge them based on what you think is going on.  Talk to them.  Find out what is going on and offer to help if you can. 

Build each other up.  Be considerate.  People are not perfect.  But, pointing out someones flaws is not what builds and strengthens a relationship.  Point out the good qualities in that person and encourage them.  Your words have a lot of power and although tearing someone down is easier than building someone up, it is what we are to do.

Of course, these rules do not apply to toxic relationships.  A relationship where abuse is present is never a relationship that should be encouraged.

Vanessa

You Are Drano And I Don't Drink Drano : Toxic Relationships

When you are involved in a relationship that never seems to bring anything but sadness and grief you have to take a good look at it and decide if it is a relationship that benefits all parties. 

Some relationships cannot be cultivated.  These are commonly referred to as "toxic relationships."

How do you know if a relationship is toxic?  Once you get past your own sens of denial and guilt a toxic relationship shines through clearly. 

Does this person encourage you?

When you feel bad about yourself does this person try to make you feel better about yourself?  Do they point out your good qualities?

Does this person constantly remind you or your past mistakes?  Are you constantly being judged by these events?

Do you feel good after talking to this person?  Or do you feel worse about yourself?

Do you constantly bend over backwards to please this person or make them like you? 

These are just some of the questions that you can ask yourself to determine whether a relationship may be toxic.

You have to put aside your own guilt over past mistakes and look at how the person treats you.  Even if you don't feel like you deserve to be respected, you do.

Abuse in any form is toxic.  Whether it is verbal abuse, physical abuse or sexual abuse.  It doesn't matter if it is a parent, a sibling, a boyfriend, a husband, or a friend....These relationships are not healthy.

I guarantee that you judge yourself enough for your past mistakes.  You don't need someone in your life to help you with that task.  Surround yourself with people who love you for you.  Everyone deserves to have healthy relationships no matter what mistakes they have made.

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Vanessa

How To Leave If You Are Afraid Of Your Spouse

If you are afraid of your spouse, you don't have a choice but to leave.

Abusers put you in a box. They limit your activities, conversations and relationships. Their goal is to make everyone in your life think you are crazy. This is how they gain control.

How do you take away the control of an abuser? Leave.

For all the reasons you are afraid of leaving you need to seriously consider why you have to leave. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your children.

How you ask?

Make a plan. Do this discreetly so as not to alert your spouse. Call one trusted person that you know will help you. Whether they can help with finding you a place to stay or can just help you leave. This person needs to be someone that you trust though. Not a mutual friend, not an in law. Loyalty is something that people stick to even when they know someone is being abused. They don't want to get involved. Most of them fear the abuser too.

Decide what to take.  Forget about taking everything you own. You may have a whole day to move out. You may have minutes. You have to plan for either scenario. Just the necessities. If you can't live without it, take it. If you don't want to live without it, don't take it.

Build a support system. It doesn't matter if you have only one friend you can trust. It doesn't matter if you don't. You can call domestic abuse hotlines that will give you advice and help you make it out. These calls are discreet and your spouse doesn't have to know. They are there to support you. Churches can be a good source of support too. And it doesn't hurt to talk to God in this situation. He will protect you.

Take legal action. If you have called the police for the abuse you have done the right thing. If you haven't, that is ok too. It is never too late to uncover an abuser. Find someone responsible to watch your children so that as soon as you are gone you can file a Personal Protection Order. This gets the police involved and they are aware that abuse has taken place.

Seek Therapy. Victims of abuse have a high tendency to develop anxiety disorders. You need to be able to talk to someone who help you confront what you have just went through. You need to take care of yourself and determine how you got in this situation. You have to be able to recognize the signs of an abuser so you don't repeat the cycle.

Find financial support. Get a job. This is important so that you can stay one step ahead of the abusive spouse. It will also build your self-esteem and help you to stay focused on your goal. You can make it on your own. It may seem impossible, but it is not. Be responsible with your money and make sure you can pay the rent, the utilities and maintain some sort of transportation. Whether you own a car, or ride a bus. You have to be able to get to work.

Teach your children right from wrong. You don't have to bash your spouse to your children. You can teach them that putting their hands on a person or talking down to a person is wrong. You don't even have to mention the spouse. It is common sense. You also need to make sure you stress to your children how important it is to tell you if someone has hurt them. They need to feel safe with you.

Some people stay in an abusive marriage because they are afraid they will have to fight for their children. You fight for your children every day when you live with an abuser. They are constantly portraying you in a bad light and the fact that you allow this makes your children see you as part of the problem. They may not think this at an early age, but as they get older they start to see that you don't care enough about yourself to do anything about it. They lose respect for you.

Staying with an abusive spouse opens up the door for your children to become victims of abuse, and also abusers. They see how their parents live and they seek out someone who will give them the same life. Not because they like it, but that is how the cycle of abuse works. It is stability for them even though to an outsider is considered unstable. It's what they know.

Some victims of abuse stay because they are afraid of what their spouse will do to them. This is just a threat that the abuser has put in their head. If your spouse is going to kill you it doesn't matter whether you stay or go. You are giving them easy access if you stay.

You cannot afford to stay. The abuse will get worse, and you will slowly stop living life. God does not intend for anyone to be a doormat to someone else. No one has a right to hurt anyone else. Stand up for yourself and your children. You are worth it!