Losing A Parent Suddenly: How Do You Find Closure?

On May 12, 2006, life ended as I knew it.  I got a phone call from my sister.  "Dad fell down the stairs.  We are at the hospital.  We need you to come," she said sobbing.  I fell to my knees.

On the plane, I told myself it would be okay.  People fall down the stairs all the time.  My Dad was tough.  As I stepped onto the hospital I saw a huge bronze plaque.  It said, "Welcome to Vanderbilt Trauma Center- Best In The Country!"  Surely they can fix this, I told myself.

When I saw my Dad I couldn't move.  That was not my father.  Why did he have all those tubes?  There must be some mistake.  I don't know how long I stood there.  Time just stood still.

My palms were dripping with sweat.  I was unable to catch my breath.  Someone was talking.  I don't who it was.  All I heard was, "You might want to prepare to say goodbye."

Say goodbye?  I hadn't even said hello yet.  I reached for my dad's hand.  I tried to say hello.  Then the tears came.  I had to get out of there.

I sat in the hospital parking garage sucking down cigarettes.  I tried to figure out how to say goodbye.  There were so many things I needed to say.  I tried for the next four days.  But I couldn't find the words.

When I returned home from the funeral, I was lost.  Nothing helped.  Someone suggested that I write my dad a letter.  He wouldn't be reading it.  What was the point?  I thought.

It took me a few weeks just to get past "Dear Dad."  But, I kept trying.  When it finally came out, I couldn't stop.  I told him I was angry.  I told him I was scared.   I told him I couldn't stop crying.  I told him I didn't want to live without him.  I told him I was sorry for everything I had ever done to make him mad.  I told him everything I could think of.  I have never opened the letter since I wrote it.

I will always miss him.  Certain songs will remind me of him.  I will see him in others.  The letter gave me the closure I needed.  I try to remember the good times now.  Not the way he died.

Grief: Why Does It Make A Sane Person Doubt Their Sanity?

When my dad passed away I felt like I was losing my sanity.  Little things people said irritated me.  Of course, these are common things said when someones loses a loved one, but I didn't see it that way at the time.  I thank God that people said these things though because it helped me get through my grief, instead of wallowing in denial.

How Are You Doing?  The famous question.  I didn't want to talk about how I was doing.  My dad was dead.  How did people think I was doing?  I hated that question because I didn't know how to answer.   Did they want to know that I didn't want to live without my dad?  Did they want to know that I couldn't stop crying?  Did they want to know that I was angry at God?  Or did they just want a simple answer, like ok? 

What Did You Do Today?  Instead of seeing it as a way to live in the present I saw it as an attack.  So what if I didn't do the dishes or clean the house?  My dad was dead and I didn't think cleaning was important.

What was your dad like?  This was another comment that cut me like a knife.  I didn't want to talk about my dad.  The memories of his passing were etched so deeply in my memory that I couldn't think of anything else.  And,  I hated saying "My Dad was..."  It was so final.  To me, my dad would always be with me.  But to others, he was gone.  I hadn't accepted this fact yet.  I kept waiting to wake up from the nightmare.

What's For Dinner?  A harmless question.  One I had heard for years.  But, I was so sad that I couldn't even think of eating, much less coming up with a family meal.  "Whatever you want" was the easiest response.

What Do You Want To Do For Your Birthday?  Or Happy Birthday!  This was a tough one for me.  I had spent my birthday with my parents the year before my dad died.  The call about my dad happened 5 days before I was supposed to leave to spend my birthday with them again.  As far as I was concerned, I didn't want to ever celebrate my birthday again!  I didn't even care if anyone remembered.

Just Remember...He's In A Better Place Now.  To tell you the truth, this comment just ticked me off to no end.  He wasn't with me and that was not right.  My Mom didn't have him anymore.  That wasn't right.  My sisters and brothers didn't have him anymore.  That wasn't right.  My children didn't have their grandpa anymore.  That wasn't right.  A better place?  What a joke.  I didn't care where he was, he was supposed to be here with all of us!

When you are grieving you tend to see things differently.  Normally I try to see the positive but during this time all I could see was the negative.  I am not mad people asked these questions, I am thankful that they kept asking and helped me see that life would go on. 

I do know that my dad is in a better place.  He is no longer suffering and he is with many of his loved ones that went before him.  His mother died when he was only a teenager.  I am sure he was glad to see her.  Just like I will be when I see him again.

Loving Both Of You: Grieving a Divorce In The Family

Talk about a fine line.....

What do you do when two people in your family who are married, who you love equally decide that they do not love each other anymore?  

How do you show each of them support without fueling the fire that is already ablaze?

To be perfectly honest with you, I don't know.  I am searching for the answer to this question myself.  

You see both sides.  You see that mistakes have been made.  But, because you are not "in" the situation but are looking from the outside in--you see it differently.

Does that mean that you are taking sides?  Does that mean that you are condeming one more than the other?

How do you balance where you let both of them know that you love and support them?

And grieving....yes...I am grieving.  I am so sad about this and I am not sure that is healthy response.

I am searching..if anyone has any advice or tips...could you share?

Grief Takes Time

Losing a parent.

Losing a Spouse.

Losing a child.

Losing Any Family Member

Losing a pet.

Losing a friend.

A break up.

A Divorce.

Estrangement From Family/Friends

These are all things we grieve over.  Some people experience multiple items on this list.  Some are fortunate and don't experience many at all. 

No matter what you experience in your life, grief is one of the hardest things to understand. 

A common question?  How long will I feel like this?

There is no timetable.  Everyone is different.  Every situation is different. 

I hope these writings will touch your heart and encourage you to heal in your time of grief. 

Vanessa

Miscarriages: Losing A Child

Losing a child turns your entire world upside down.  A life that was anticipated will never flower.  That child will never grow up.  He or she will never smile at you.   You will never hold that baby in your arms and then send them off into what we call "life."

It is devastating.  Nothing seems right.  Nothing eases the pain.

More to come

Honoring Your Loved Ones

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